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Subject: fun corner
Replies: 256 Views: 5285
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:41pm
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
Were 1 in the 2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologists Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologists door
To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumbers truck:
We REPAIR what your husband fixed.
On a Plumbers truck:
Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop Slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeons Office door:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company:
We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electricians truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrists Office
If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a Taxidermists window:
We really know our stuff.
In a Podiatrists office:
Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a muf*ler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Restaurant window:
Dont stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. Well wait.
At a Propane Filling Station,
Tank heaven for little grills.
And dont forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
*
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:33pm
A Woman's Prayer:
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
*
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:34pm
Honey, said this husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal! I know all that. Then why did you invite a friend for supper? Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married. *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:37pm
after his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss. *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:38pm
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an . the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it? the woman replied, snorting pepper. *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:39pm
two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.
The second guy responded, I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.
They then asked the woman, What are you?
She replied: I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, , Etc. *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:42pm
Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:46pm
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.
To which the second gal replied, You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!
And the third proclaimed, I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog.
*
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:49pm
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, Whoa, I don't remember eating that! *
texan09 6.02.10 - 12:53pm
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!
''That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
*
shail_86 8.02.10 - 03:24am
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where any woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!!
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking..
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! 
*
texan09 8.02.10 - 12:36pm
chat btwn 2 ladies I hear ur hubby is in hospital
yeah it's his knee
y wats wrong?
I found his secretary on it
*
texan09 8.02.10 - 12:41pm
wats in common btwn a dolphin n a woman?
well dey r both said 2 b intelligent but no1 can prove it *
texan09 20.02.10 - 06:31am
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked Is someone in your house?
He said No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.
George said, Okay.
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them. and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , I thought you said that you'd shot them!
George saysI thought you said that no patrol team was available
*
texan09 20.02.10 - 01:51pm
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top
*
texan09 20.02.10 - 02:36pm
DONT WORK UNDER STRESS:
One day a man was sitting in his Office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office
and shouted, John, your daughter, Anna just died in
an accident right opposite
this building
The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through
his office window.
While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor
he remembered he didn't have a daughter
named Anna.
When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.
When he was about to
hit the ground he remembered he was not John..
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:23am
Republican National Convention Schedule
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar 1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address 1: Mercury, its whats for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The hmos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar 2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings I Cant Help Lovin Dat Man
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address 2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar 3: Education: a drain on our nations economy
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:24am
Fifty-Six fun things to do in Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him I need some tampons!!
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible s*x and candy
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!... etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this s**t, anyway?
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
18. Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, ...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why won't you people just leave me alone?
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission:Impossible.
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
36. Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! It's those voices again!
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good bessie.
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. hi!!!! 
What's your sign? . When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. hi!!!! What's your sign?.
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:25am
Another week
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasnt very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Well, said Paul, youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:25am
hes in too far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes? he asked. Yes! said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. Go and get help! he cried. But I cant. Im naked and my clothes are gone! Take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself. Holding the shoe over her , the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, Please help me! My boyfriends stuck! The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, Theres nothing I can do.hes in too far!
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:26am
Funny Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
Were 1 in the 2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologists Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologists door
To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumbers truck:
We REPAIR what your husband fixed.
On a Plumbers truck:
Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop Slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeons Office door:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company:
We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electricians truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrists Office
If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a Taxidermists window:
We really know our stuff.
In a Podiatrists office:
Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a muf*ler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Restaurant window:
Dont stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. Well wait.
At a Propane Filling Station,
Tank heaven for little grills.
And dont forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:26am
Internet Dating Terms Men Use
40-ish: Over 50 and looking for a 25 year-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of sports on TV
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will patronize you all the time
Free Spirit: Will bang anything that moves
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves s*x
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight and hairy like a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mamas boy
Mature: Older than your father
Open-minded: Wants to have s with your friends
Physically fit: Does a lot of beer can curls
Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriends phone number on a bathroom stall
Sensitive: Cries if you want him to go see a chick flick
Very sensitive: Gay, just wants to procreate
Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful: Says Excuse me when he farts
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:38am
Rules Guys Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask
us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious
hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound
to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at .
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/ba t.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having s*x with her. But do not worry; the
fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:39am
Bumper Stickers
1. Jesus loves you....everyone else thinks you're an
2. Impotence....nature's way of saying no hard feelings
3. The proctologist called, they found your head
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
8. Hang up and drive!
9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
10. Heart attack...God's revenge for eating his animal friends
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself
12. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:41am
The one
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
(see below for answer)
what you are thinking of! go down......
Answer : its your Surname, what else !! but I like the way you think.
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:42am
Sleeping at work
Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work:
10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
3. The coffee machine is broken...
2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot... And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. Raise your head from the desk and say ... in Jesus' name. Amen.
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:51am
Some great comebacks
Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:55am
The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.
6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!
7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ... (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).
14. Looking back o'er the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?
*
xtash 21.02.10 - 08:56am
Not bad
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
Excuse me, she said, I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, Not bad.
*
texan09 23.02.10 - 01:59pm
a gud frnd is lyk a BRA
hard 2 find supportive
comfortable
always lifts u up neva lets u dwn or leaves u hangin....is always close to ur heart *
texan09 27.02.10 - 11:57am
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!' *
texan09 27.02.10 - 11:57am
Wife: ' Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all our five kids with him.'
Radio Host: ' OK, go ahead!'
Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of them is yours.' *
texan09 27.02.10 - 11:59am
Punctuation is Powerful ..
An English professor wrote the words:
~ A woman without her man is nothing ~
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : A woman, without her man, is nothing.
All the females in the class wrote : A woman: without her, man is nothing.
So to conclude, punctuation is powerful .... *
texan09 27.02.10 - 12:05pm
John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: i asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she say?
John: anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: what you gave her?
John: playing cards
*
texan09 27.02.10 - 04:42pm
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica. *
texan09 27.02.10 - 04:44pm
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this!. *
texan09 27.02.10 - 04:48pm
A man and a woman started to have s*x in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, d*mn, I wish I had a flashlight!. The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes! *
texan09 27.02.10 - 04:49pm
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off. Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or and I don't know what to do? Barbara replied, You'd better . I've got a headache. *
texan09 27.02.10 - 04:51pm
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore.
*
texan09 27.02.10 - 05:23pm
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your Toothbrush!
*
xtash 1.03.10 - 06:56am
Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne Hello Kiya,
Wife- Koun Thi Wo?
Hus-Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life...!!
Why? Very simple?
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
Wife came home with a goat.
Husband askedIs bhains ko ghar kyon laye ho?
Wife:Dikhta nahin, bakri hai!
Husband:Bakri se hi pooch raha hon
Husband wife mein ladai hui,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,Khanay mein kya hai
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aaunga, tum kha kar so jana:
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
This is the best......
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
Why did u shoot urwife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife
instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar:Your honour,
it's easier to shoot a woman once,
than shooting one man every week.
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1.Janu
Yr 2.O G.
Yr 3.Sunte ho?
Yr 4.O bunty k pappa
Yr 5.Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6.Tum aate ho k main aaon?
Wife to husband:- kash aap sms hotay
Wife: Jaanu kash aap SMS hotay,
Main aap ko save karti,
Husband:
Jaan-e-man, kaash tum ring tone hoti,
Mainher haftay tumhe change karta
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aalo
lene gayatha abhi tak wapis nahi aaya:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:-
to behan kuch or paka lo:-)
1 horror movie dekhi
Husband:rat ko mene 1 horror movie dekhi,
1 chudeil kabhi mere age
kabhi piche aur kabhi sath chal rahi thi,
Wife:Kaun si movie thi?
Husband:Apni shadi ki
Wife hit her husband with frying pan
Husband: What was that for..?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone. . *
xtash 1.03.10 - 06:59am
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!(scroll down)
First Question:
You are parti ting in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, butdon'ttake as much time as you took for the first question,OK?
Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..
Take1000and add40to it. Now add another1000. Now add30. Add another1000. Now add20. Now add another1000. Now add10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
Did you get5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name isMary.Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
Amute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple. *
xtash 1.03.10 - 07:08am
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. Bending over to get a closer look, she accidentally passes gas.
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t when I tell you the price.' *
shail_86 5.03.10 - 04:01am
santa pehli baar plane se ja raha tha
pilot ne plane runway par chalana shuru kiya. santa came to d piolet and slapped him saying saale, yahan mujhe der ho rahi hai aur tu by road ja raha hai *
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:37pm
Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.
*
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:37pm
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your & move your legs, riding a woman you
fix your legs & move your ass. *
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:38pm
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
night. *
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:39pm
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
*
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:39pm
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward....
forward... stop and eject. *
xtash 6.03.10 - 12:39pm
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble *
