Download Free Apps & Games @ PHONEKY.com
Download Free Apps & Games @ PHONEKY.com
Subject: fun corner
Replies: 256 Views: 5270
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:05pm
A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.
One day she announced, Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Sa ay, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally DO IT.
Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist asked him, Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack. Johnny responded, You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack.
Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.
Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious.
Johnny turned and replied, Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:09pm
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Sa ay morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical the :
Please allow me to help. I'm a physical the and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
How does that feel? she asked.
It feels great. He replied. But my thumb still hurts like hell!.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:12pm
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!
Have a nice weekend, said the officer. *
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:14pm
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, Aren't you having any?
The woman replies, No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:16pm
The sign on the first bull's stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year.
The wife turns to her husband and says, He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!.
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: This bull mated 65 times last year.
The wife turns to her husband and says, This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife's mouth drops open and says, WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:18pm
Reason
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some a*senic.
The druggist asks Ma'am, what do you want with a*senic?
The lady say's To kill my husband.
I can't sell you any for that reason says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:20pm
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the
following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
c s, as this could
further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his
stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by
wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage
him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this
for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the
doctor say?
You're going to die, she replied.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:21pm
Miraculous
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one?
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:26pm
Its dark in here
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?
Yes it is, the man replies.
You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.
No thanks, the man replies.
I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.
OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.
Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.
TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.
Yes it is, replies the man.
Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.
OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.
I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.
How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.
SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?
Dont you start that s**t in here, the priest says!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:30pm
A crowded bus stop
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! At this the Texan drawled Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that maybe we were friends.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:32pm
Pretend we are married
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea.lets pretend were married.
Why not, giggles the woman.
Right, he replies. Get your own ing blanket.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:34pm
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said,
No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be s*x here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:36pm
Wife's Luckiest day
A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's 1,000. Can I buy it?
MAN: OK, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: 60,000.
MAN: For that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking 450,000.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer 420,000.
WOMAN: OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey
MAN: Bye, I love you too.
When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and asks the first man, Have you seen my cell phone?
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:38pm
The Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, I now pro nounce you man and wife.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:40pm
The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesnt lie.
4. It is important to find a man whos good in bed and who loves to have s*x with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:44pm
Just relax
A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.
I gotta tell you something honey said the man very weakly.
No sweetie, it's all right, relax replied the woman.
The man took a deep breath and said, I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!
The wife cooed, Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:46pm
Getting a second opinion
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
You aren't so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
What took you so long to answer?
I was in bed.
What were you doing in bed this late?
Getting a second opinion.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:50pm
Girl always put the Guys down
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE : Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE : No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share!!!
HE : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE : It's hot!!!
HE : I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE : Okay, but would you stay there?
HE : Will you come out with me this Sa ay?
SHE : Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE : Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE : Okay, get out!!!
HE : I think I could make you very happy
SHE : Why?.. Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : why, don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go and see a film?
SHE : I've already seen it!!!
HE : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE : Nah, it was plain bad luck
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:51pm
Where was he?
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
Who was it? he asked.
My husband, she replied.
I better get going, he said. Where was he?
Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:54pm
3 daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said,
Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said,
My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off,
Hi, my name's Chuck -- and the farmer shot him.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 04:59pm
Only when
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, Do you know that you were speeding? The man replies, No sir, I didn't know I was speeding. The mans wife then yells, Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles. SHUT UP! the man says to his wife, Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite. Then the cop says, well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired? No Sir the man replies, I did not know that WHATEVER! His wife yells, I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now! Shut up the man yells to his wife again! Sit back and shut up, mind your own business! Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, Does he always talk to you this way? No she replies, Only when he's drinking!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:03pm
Husbands vs. Wives
Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in New Jersey. One man was from Tennessee, one from North Carolina and one from Kentucky. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Tennessee began by saying: I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking! Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared , with wine and even dessert.
Then the man from North Carolina spoke up: I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning! The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry shelves were filled with groceries.
The fellow from Kentucky was married to a woman from Harlan County. He sat up straight on the bar stool and said: I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning! Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye...
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:06pm
Before it starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a beer before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another beer before it starts. She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute. The wife is furious. She yells at him Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ... The man sighs and says, It's started ...
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:10pm
man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, I didn't know you were into earrings.
Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, he replies sheepishly.
Well, I'm curious, begged the man, how long have you been wearing an earring?
Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:12pm
Sincere Advice
A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.
The Rabbi asks, What's wrong?
The man replies, My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?
The man then pleads, I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?
The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone. She talked to me, without interruption for three hours. Do you want to hear my sincere advice?
The man anxiously says, Yes, Yes!
Take the poison, says the Rabbi.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:14pm
Wife s Mentality
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretarys apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and dont wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. Thats why Im late!
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, I see those grass stains all over your shoes. Youve been playing golf again, havent you!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:16pm
Why don't you do that?
A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple ? How loving they are ?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied:
I tried once but she slapped me.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:21pm
Sins
I had a dream last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him if I could take a look around the place. Peter agreed, and even offered to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Bill why he was chained to this awful creature.
Bill replied: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now Im chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance.
We wished former President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance.
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on. After a while we met up with Bill Gates, president of Microsoft. Bill Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and s*xiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
The woman answered first: When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:26pm
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muf*led sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the ba t where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
Whats wrong with you? she asked him.
Remember when your father caught us having s*x when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.
Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?
The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today. *
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:29pm
Marriage Certificate
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:33pm
Woman
INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:36pm
Ticket to the Super Bowl
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?
The man replies, Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967.
Well, that's really sad, says Bob, but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?
No, the man replies, they're all at the funeral.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:41pm
Me Too
A very frustrated man visits his doctor. Doc, youve gotta help me! My wife just isnt interested in s*x anymore. Havent you got a pill or something I can give her?
Look, I cant prescribe anything
Doc, weve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? Im desperate! I cant think; I cant concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! Youve got to help me.
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. Ordinarily, I wouldnt do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that theyre VERY powerful. Dont give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.
I dont know, doc. Shes awfully cold.
One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?
Um okay. He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wifes coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, I need a man
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, Me too.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:46pm
Can you talk to me
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
Excuse me; I cant seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a beautiful woman with as lovely as yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:50pm
In the other world
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?
A ghostly voice answered her, Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you. Martha tearfully asked, Oh John, what is it like where you are? It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.
Well what do you do all day, asked Martha.
Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but s*x until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more s*x until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m..
Martha was somewhat taken aback. Is that what heaven really is like?
Heaven???? I'm not in heaven Martha.
Well then where are you?
I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 05:57pm
Almost Married
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many. First guy asks the second guy, How have things been going?
The second guy speaking very slowly replied, I.. w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d....
The first guy says in amazement, Hey, you don't stutter any more, that's great.
The answer comes,
Y..e..s, ..I w..e..n..t t..o a.. d..o..c..t..o..r ..a..n..d ..h..e ..t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I.. ..s..p..e..a..k ..s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l ..n..o..t ..s..t..u..t..t..e..r.....
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n ..h..e..r ..p..o..r..c..h a..n..d ..t..h..e ..d..o..g ..w..a..s ..s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d, I ..t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o.. ...t..h..a..t... ...f..o..r ...m..e A..n..d t..h..e..n.... s..h..e s..l..a..p..p..e..d....m..e a..n..d... t..h..r..e..w t..h..e ..r..i..n..g o..n... m..y ..f..a..c..e.
Why should she do that? wasn't she a romantic type? asks the first friend.
W..e..l..l, S..h..e w..a..s..! B..U..T.. ..I ..s..p..e..a..k ..s..o ..s..l..o..w..l..y ..t..h..a..t, ..b..y ..t..h..e ..t..i..m..e ..s..h..e ..l..o..o..k..e..d ..a..t t..h..e ..d..o..g,....h..e ..w..a..s ..p...e...e...i..n..g ..o..n ..a.. ..p..o..l..e!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:00pm
Most evil thing
Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.
No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:02pm
A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing about times past. After having mentioned all the wonderful moments of their full and happy life together, the old man says, You know, I still love the s*x we have together, darling.
After a couple of minutes thinking about this, the wife replies, Well, yup, me too, but I think I prefer Christmas.
Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts, Don't you prefer the s*x?
Difficult to say, says the old lady, but Christmas does comes round more often.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:07pm
I don't need
A man got his prescription for v*agra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,
I'll be home in an hour.
Perfect, she replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor
told him to take his v*agra an hour before.
He takes the v*agra and waits.
Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour and a half.
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. What should I do?
he asks. The Doctor replied, It would be a shame to waste it.
Do you have a housekeeper around Yes the man replied.
Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead? said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay,
But I don't need v*agra with the housekeeper...
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:10pm
Special fare rate
A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, What trip?
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:11pm
My True Love
1 day
You'll be surprised
to see me
beside you.
you and me
laughing.
You and me
crying,
You and me
dreaming,
You and me
hugging,
You and me .......
Just you and me sitting in a mental hospital:
Me visiting you :)
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:15pm
Birthday Gift
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.
His buddy said, I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great s*x, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled.
So the that's what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, Well? Did you take my suggestion?
Yes, I did, said Joe.
Did she like it? His buddy asked.
Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling I'll be back in an hour!!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:19pm
Never Say to Your Wife
If your wife should ask you how she looks in a dress, never say:
Chunky Monkey.
If your wife should ask you how large a television you should buy, never
say as big as it needs to be to see around your rear.
If your wife should ask does this dress make me look fat, you should never
say oh, it's not the dress.
If your wife should ask you about your anniversary, you should never say when is that?
Sponsors (article continues below)
If your wife should ask you if you remember what today was, you should
never say I didn't know there was going to be a test.
If your wife should ask you what do you want for a birthday or Christmas,
you should never say just your love and affection.
If your wife should ask you do you want to know what she wants for
a birthday or Christmas, you should never say oh I already know what I'm getting you.
If your wife should ask you why you didn't get her what she asked for on
her birthday or Christmas, you should never say because I didn't remember what you said.
If your wife should ask you if you remember having the conversation,
you should never say I remember your mouth moving, but not the words coming out.
If your wife should say she asked you to do/pick up/deliver or in anyway
facilitate the process of something going from one place to another, you should never say no you didn't.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:21pm
Is it alright? -
Category: Couple
Is it alright?
There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner. The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
Yes? replied the teacher.
Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk???
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:23pm
40th Wedding Anniversary
On their 40th Wedding Anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Mike was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. Tell us, Mike, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?
Mike responds, Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness .... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:26pm
A Lying Cheat -
Category: Couple
A Lying Cheat
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.
They know he is a lying cheat, but they just ignore the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a lying cheat. To top it off, he ignores me just because I am a lesbian.
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:34pm
Republican National Convention Schedule
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar 1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address 1: Mercury, its whats for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The hmos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar 2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings I Cant Help Lovin Dat Man
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address 2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar 3: Education: a drain on our nations economy
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:35pm
Fifty-Six fun things to do in Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him I need some tampons!!
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible s*x and candy
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!... etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this s**t, anyway?
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
18. Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, ...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why won't you people just leave me alone?
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission:Impossible.
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
36. Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! It's those voices again!
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good bessie.
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. hi!!!! 
What's your sign? . When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. hi!!!! What's your sign?.
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
*
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:36pm
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasnt very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Well, said Paul, youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks *
xtash 5.02.10 - 06:37pm
hes in too far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes? he asked. Yes! said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. Go and get help! he cried. But I cant. Im naked and my clothes are gone! Take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself. Holding the shoe over her , the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, Please help me! My boyfriends stuck! The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, Theres nothing I can do.hes in too far!
*
